I haven’t posted anything in a while. I was hesitant for many reasons. My first reason was because I wrote a very long post about many truths about my personal relationship with Damian and some of my deep pain after his death. Its called “Guilt”. Well guilt was very hard to write and very hard to face so I never posted it. The next reason I halted my writing was because I debated between Happy Grief and the grief we fell quite often, what I like to call Traditional grief. I felt like everything I’m writing is the truth but its sad. I felt like how can I continue to honor Damian in such a sad way? I realized how special so many of my readers and followers and everyone else grieving were to me. I realized how powerful their stories are and I realized how much they move me. I felt after hearing so many stories and receiving so much love that I wanted to give back. I want to show others and learn in the process how to overcome grief in a happy way . Very happy. The last and final reason I stopped writing was because I am such a perfectionist and honestly I critique everything i do and I am never satisfied. Tonight I decided I don’t care about the damn punctuation and spelling I’m just going to type whats on my mind. Wait there are two other reasons I stopped writing, ummmm I’ve been extremely busy with 4 kids and I’m also a soccer coach and a soccer player. I have also been working on a project a search engine designed to find all your organic and all natural needs, that’s another story.
I have to thank my sister for giving me the urge to write tonight. Damian has been gone now almost 6 months. I guess everyone thinks I’m OK. Most days I truly feel like I don’t get time to cry. The crazy part about it all is I think about Damian 24 hours of the day. Everything I do reminds me of him. A song he dedicated to me plays over and over again in the car repeatedly. I always coincidentally look at the clock at 918 everyday, tying to decipher that. Its weird. Every place we go I’ve been there with Damian. I absolutely hate television because for some reason every scenario hurts my heart.
Anyway tonight my sister, hold on, Twin sister came to town after her graduation. She is now an official probation officer. Well our relationship has never been the best but we try to rebuild quite often. I’ll make it sweet and simple. After Damian’s death my family abandoned me because long story short we broke up and I was dating someone else, they didn’t like him and believed he had something to do with Damian’s death. Well because they believed that It became all my fault for dating the guy.Well I was very alone and still am after his death because hate, anger and rumors and nonsense behavior is contagious and I have been treated very bad by most. I’m not upset anymore and that’s why I forgave my sister and try to rebuild again. I waited for her for hours tonight. She told me we were going to hang out. Well I don’t hangout much ever since Damian has been gone. I decided to hang out. Holidays feel the worse because Damian would be right with me.Ever since his death, holidays hurt so i stay in the house. My sister decided to be with her boyfriend and stand me up. She never said anything and she is never there when I need her. It almost feels the same way about most. I just get tired of feeling up the same people with my sob stories. All my friends stood me up tonight and stopped answering their phones and texts. It probably wouldn’t even bother me if Damian was here. Everything bothers me and I don’t know how to deal sometimes. I just get angry.
Here is happy grief and which I usually have for a couple days and then I relapse and I continue to go through the same cycles often. Happy grief is your ability to accept and understand what has presented itself. Death. Happy grief is about understanding its a trans-formative change and their are many lessons to be learned. Happy Grief is about smiling and overcoming sadness with positive memories and understanding tears and sadness are OK and you can smile and cry. Its just what we have been taught by society. Happy grief is strictly about seeing the light amidst the dark. Happy grief is empowerment from loss and lack of sadness.
Why must we be sad. We force ourselves too. I was at the beach today I saw a friend of mine. I told her about Damian’s death. I said it lacking so much sadness that it may have felt weird to the other party because they expected extreme sadness. I reverted to a comment to let her know i’m still in pain.I realized that I don’t have to live up to the expectations of others.
Traditional grief says to be sad, cry, wear black, lack understanding. Typical and/or traditional grief says if you’re not sad something isn’t right. I do not have to explain my sadness to every person who wonders.
I conclude by saying your grief,”Reaction to a trauma or loss” cant be controlled . Our responses are inevitable. Every form of grief is acceptable it’s about how we overcome and get through it. I hurt everyday and everyday is a struggle. I show happiness , I smile and laugh. in the depths of my heart there is still pain. We all choose to deal with loss in a way that works for our individual self.
Happy grief I must say feels so much better. I think that happy grief just lacks understanding by everyone around us. Stay strong. Embrace every emotion felt. Feel it and work through the bad ones and hold onto the good ones.
I will continue to grieve. I will continue to hurt. I will continue to overcome obstacles. I will continue to fight. I have my own experiences to work through and my job is not done and neither is yours.
My sister constantly reminds me that her boyfriend, and shall I add also Damian’s best friend is in so much pain and he is hurting crying and drinking his life away. She has never even bothered to ask how I am doing. I decided i have to be strong , for my kids. My son always says ” Stop talking about daddy if its going to make you cry “. I cant let them see me hurt or the rest of the world. I guess my sister feels like I’m OK because I don’t show it like he does. She leaves me more alone than she can ever imagine. You should never have to explain pain or your responses to anyone.
I have to let go of wanting a shoulder to cry on. I have to let go of expecting help and compassion or even understanding . I have to understand that I can do it by myself if I have to.
No matter what the situation presents be prepared to fight.