I couldn’t breath, my airway was completely restricted. It felt like my eyes were bulging from my head. I wasn’t scared by anything that was occurring. I was using a belt and I was in the walk- in- closet in my room. At the time I wasn’t sure why I was angry or what truly led me to act. That day in particular I had an argument with my mom, I was fourteen years old. I remember the lack of fear and care I possessed at the time. I walked in that closet with a clear intention to end my life. How my mother found me ceases to amaze me. Yes! I wanted to die. That’s what we all know all to well as suicide. I dont think i truly wanted to die that day, now I do.
As I sit here holding back my tears, my tear ducts fill up, and my blood rushes through my veins as my temperature rises. I am extremely overwhelmed and frustrated.
As I recall memories of Damian , they appear so vivid and present in my mind. I remember so many details from the exact moment. I remember his smell and facial expressions and movements. The pain digs so much deeper when I recollect these memories of him. When recalling memories of him it literally takes me back to that moment.
I know research says we will feel suicidal as we grieve the lost of our loved ones. Do they truly understand what it feels like or how simple they make sucidal thoughts appear?
On the outside I must keep my composure. I have to stay strong for my kids. I have to remain strong to function in society. On the inside of my body it feels like tons of small evil monsters destroying parts of me. They use saws, hammers, nails, sledge hammers, machetes, and every and anything that could cause pain. Its like they work hard to eat away at my soul day in and day out. Constantly changing my emotional state of mind and constantly causing an unbearable internal pain.
I think about suicide everyday. The first thing I always hear” You have kids to live for”. I may have kids to live for but I am one person who’s soul inhabits one body and my pain cuts so deep that all I think about is releasing that pain. I love my children and they are the only reason I still stand to fight.
We may think about suicide everyday but I know deep down I cant leave my children but I truly have days where I feel like they will be ok.
My tears finally run. They are warm and my house feels freezing cold right now. I try to breath and redirect my thoughts as my tears fall. Its a quiet cry tonight not like my screams and gasps the other night. Its a very quite and somber sadness.
I truly miss Damian and I have a ton of pain from regret and everything else, guilt, hurt, and frustration from things left undone and unsaid.
Suicide is very hard to face. Pills, excessive drinking, hanging myself, riding off a bridge, slitting my wrists or drinking a few toxic chemicals. These are various ways to end life here in the physical realm and to be with Damian.
Everyday I am faced with thoughts of how we all can be with him and have our family again.
I fight through these thoughts with heavy tears and gasps of air, fits of anger and loud shouts. I have to fight through this moment and keep letting it out. I will fight through this until I can regain my strength.
Like Incubus said in one of my favorite songs “Drive”
” Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes”.
I have to realize that when times are low like this that I am transforming. I lost a part of my soul and I’m on an enlightened new path to achieve so much. I have to remember to fight and give it all I have now that Damian is gone . I am throwing it all on the line for our children and their future. I am their mother and I know what is best for them and how to build what we wanted for our children. Damian is watching and still supporting along the way and I know it.
Hold on to what saves us. What saves me is Damian and his strength, his voice and his triumphs. Our children save me.
I’ve learned what helps me overcome my thoughts. There will always be triggers that ignite these painful emotions. We have to avoid things that you know are “Triggers”. Drinking alcohol was something I had to stop completley and now I drink only occasionally. Drinking causes my pain to feel increasingly worse.
Create or put a plan in place that allows you to redirect your thoughts. Get a piece of paper and right down happy thoughts, postive things about yourself, future goals. Revert to the list when these thoughts come.
Always have a friend or family member you can call. Call someone most of the time they can be a voice of reason and an ear to overcome the feelings you’re experiencing.
Always remember to keep harmful things out of sight or out of the home completley. Keep your environment safe from yourself.
We may have these thoughts but they dont control us and we dont have to respond to them. Fight. I fight often and will continue.
Life is an obstacle within itself. You never know what is behind curtain number three untill you choose to pull it back. Keep striving forward . Our paths are unique journeys of self discovery that build an immense amount of strengh within us.
I will teach my children how to be strong and I will teach myself as well. I will embrace my feelings because they are meant to be felt and I will strive to accomplish my goals, dreams and aspirations and conquer Damian’s as well. I loved him deeply . He will live on as long as I keep my strength to fight.
Keep yours. We all have something to fight for.
Love Shannon
Surviving Grief 
Shannon, I have said this before, but again: I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s just enormous, and no wonder you feel so overwhelmed.
I went through a period of feeling suicidal when my children were small, and just like you, I kept going because of them. Sometimes I hated it. I was exhausted and the idea of giving up forever seemed like a relief. But I’m so glad now that I stayed here. Lots of pain, yes, but I’ve had so many beautiful, precious moments as their mom. I know you will have the same with your children.
Your recommendations about what to do to make it easier to keep going (and harder to commit suicide) are good ones. I hope you also sometimes get a break to go and do something pleasant and restorative for your adult self.
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Here in the physical world, your memories of Damian are alive. And when memories are alive, they can be painful. After all, you can’t have joy without pain. But if you were gone, those special memories would be dead. Your memories of Damian are different than anyone else’s. No one else on Earth has these memories. Something as special as that deserves to be cherished and saved for as long as possible. Peace. 🙂
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I can feel your pain. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I hear your struggles and listen to the enormous amount of pain you are battling now. Such a brave soul to put such inner demons out here for the world to see. Courageous indeed! I admire anyone who has the courage to face their feelings, recognize them, allow them, and release them out of the mind and body. Not many can do that, so know that you are special in this way.
I also wanted to mention when you stated that the room felt so cold. I could feel Damian is near you. I could feel that he is not far from you and watching over you. Yet he is also struggling with his own demons. There is black all around him. He too needs someone to talk to, someone to explain the pain he is feeling right now. To be released.
I am an intuitive empath. I have this gift of being able to pick up many things around me, that most people cannot (although they say anyone can do this). I used my intuitive (psychic) gift to speak to animals and I loved it!
Not sure if you are a believer or not and I hope this suggestion does not offend you. Have you thought of speaking with a psychic (or intuitive) that speaks to those who have passed on? It might ease some pain for you, answer some questions you have and offer you some surprise gifts that no other outlet can offer. It is not 100% foolproof, as some would expect. Like anything in life, we too are not perfect. However, if you get someone who is recommended and is skilled in her speciality of speaking to those who have passed on (Medium), it can offer more than you would imagine.
I have seen spirits since I was about 10-12 yrs. old. But, my gift was not encouraged, or even recognized until the last 5-8 yrs. or so. It was then, I began to cultivate it, nourish it, and practice it. I love the animals and decided to put my efforts into animal communication. However, I have always wanted to explore the area of speaking with those that have passed on. It is every persons wish who has lost a loved one to just see or speak to them one more time.
On another note. I lost a fiance’ to suicide. I just happen to walk into the room, moments before he killed himself with a gun. I witnessed it and was there alone with him. 6 months later I too attempted suicide, with no success. I went to dark, dark places after his death, for about 6-7 yrs. Self destruction and to die a slow death was my sub consious intentions, and anyway I could anesthetize the pain I felt. It never worked, and I lost many valuable years. But it is my story and it was my journey and there is no turning back now.
Unlike you, I have not told that whole story on paper, for the world to see. It is your story that offered me the courage to say what I have never said before in written words.
Praise yourself in this courageous act.
May your journey be one of discovery and bring you to a place of peace and love, or whatever you need to bring you thru this.
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So beautiful. I am grateful to hear your story. It truly helps me to know im not alone. I have went to visit two different mediums. My area truly doesnt have reputable mediums. My first visit has some relief my second visit was awful. I still havent spoken to Damain the way i would like. After my last visit i decided it may not be the best thing for me to continue that experience. I truly appreciate your love and care and your courage to share your story as well.
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I am glad it offered something positive to you.
Sorry to hear that seeing an medium was not the experience you had hoped for. I understand your decision.
Thank you for your response. It is nice to know we are not alone in this.
Have a beautiful day!
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We fight together and its also everyday. When you say that Damian has emotions that he wants to express. I truly believe that and feel it. I was being patient in hopes to find the right medium to convey hos thoughts. I know there was alot left unsaid and done. I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine how painful it has to be to witness something ao awful like that. I know your pain runs deep and those images never die.I am with you in your fight.
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Almost everyday I wake up and think about how desperately I DONT want to be here. Like you said with wanting to be with Damian, I just want to be with C. That’s all that I want. But, I have people in my life that need me. Which means I need to stay here, and that the sweet escape is far, far away.
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This is so raw, so beautiful. I am grateful for the honesty you bring, and the struggles you are courageous enough to share. The thing about grief is that it messes up our view of what it means to be “fine,” or “OK,” or even “better.” Just know that I am holding you in my heart.
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Very raw and very honest. Keep writing, Shannon. We are all here listening and learning from your journey. Hug those kids tight.
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So sorry for your great loss. And thank you for the courage to share this grievous journey with us. I send you care and kindness as you travel with this pain. And love and light to your children.
jeanne
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May the light surround you and bring unquestionable signs of love to you and your beautiful children as you travel through this time of such pain and darkness. Don’t give up – it will change and become easier.
There is a organization in Portland that has national outreach called the Dougy Center, http://www.dougy.org They have many resources for children who are grieving. They were very helpful when we had several deaths in our friend circle, for both the children and us parents.
Hang in there – sending love from the blogosphere.
iris
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Shannon, I am so sorry for your loss. We all experience pain and we all need a Healer. Someone who will truly understand and comfort us in a way that no one else can. That Healer, that Comforter, that Friend is Jesus Christ. He wants to help everyone and He will, all we have to do is ask. He hears us all. Knows us all. Sees us all. With love and prayers, Bethany
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Can I just say that I love how open and honest you were/are. You may be struggling with these thoughts but I am grateful for you sharing this. I needed this. Blessings sis
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Dear Shannon,
Thank you for popping round to Beyond the Flow. I am so sorry for your loss and the dreadful anguish which wraps around and through you. I get severely ill on and off and knew that anguish when I thought I’d be leaving my kids and husband behind. Fortunately, I survived but it took longer to shake off the emotion response and it’s still somewhat stuck to me. I notice that you have read some of my letters to dead poets. Suicide is an issue I had to face head on writing these letters as well as untimely accidental death. I ended up turning to columnist Dorothy Dix for help writing to Sylvia Plath and found her 10 point for happiness which are nuts and bolts stuff. I think it could well be called ways to feel better https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2016/04/19/s-sylvia-plath-help-me-dorothy-dixatozchallenge/
Take care and know you’re not alone!
xx Rowena
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Suicide is such a taboo subject, yet you found the courage to write bravely and honestly about it. The very depth of your feelings and how you are dealing with them deserve to be shared as by writing you are helping others as well through your inspirational words. Thinking of you x
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Hi Shannon 🙂 You were, are and always will be an amazing mom. Thank you for your courage to remain here, day after day… growing, healing and living your truth. You inspire me (and many others i’m sure) to be the vulnerable, authentic, strong, powerful and most beautiful human being that you are. ❤
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You are so young to have suffered such tragedy, and I see that you are also incredibly brave and courageous – truly a gift to your children. I am sorry for what you have suffered. That you are sharing your pain is a testimony to your character – an amazing woman.
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My sincere condolences for your loss, dear heart. Truly, I understand the suicidal feelings–I’ve lived them most of my life; and I always envied people who had children to anchor them here, keep them going. But having read your post, I see more deeply–that the children are not a buffer for the pain at all, though hopefully they do provide a focus to get you through each day. You are in my daily prayers, I promise–maybe time will make the grief lessen, I don’t know. But I do believe there is more of life ahead for you–that God has great blessings in store; it’s a “faith thing”–and I realize that sometimes “having faith” requires an exhausting effort, but God honors our faith–even if it’s small as a mustard seed. May He bless you and your children most abundantly.
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Wow. I thought I was the only one..I think about suicide every day since my partner died. I know it’s wrong and I know my friends and family would be devastated, but the pain….the pain and guilt I have is so overwhelming. I don’t have kids, and I live alone. But each day, I try to hold on to at least one thing that I have to do the next day….even if it’s something small and silly like feeding the cat or calling my teenage cousin whose parents died suddenly, knowing he depends on my support…My partner wasn’t murdered, but she did die young and she suffered a cardiac arrest and the doctors never determined the cause, so I’m left with many unaswered questions. Your story has really touched me. Thank you.
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Shannon, I’m so sorry Damian died and you are left here to deal with the pain. The battle between craving to be with him and the knowing you will/must/want to be here for your kids, not wanting them to have to feel the depth of the despair you’re feeling…I get it. I respect your feelings. I lost my mom & brother many years ago and fought suicide for years. The best help I got was EMDR therapy. I thought I was free of the deep desire to die. Until my boyfriend died suddenly and unexpectedly on March 4. I live with my sister and she’s the one I must stay for (as she lost her husband 4 yrs ago & couldn’t bear losing me). Anyhow, I’m so glad you’re writing your truth courageously. I see the strength in your spririt and know as much as the dark calls you, you’re finding the snipets of light. I salute you.Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep letting those horrendous torrents run through you so you don’t have to carry them for the rest of your life. I honor your grief. I walk beside you in spirit.I pray each day brings you a little more light until you find yourself in a new season. You’re probably helping more people than you realize by sharing this. You certainly helped me.
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Wow. The enemy of our souls is always searching for an opening. You must have so much more blessing to come! How many have never known love like you have and created offspring from that love. Your life has value because of the wisdom you have to share.
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This is beautiful and brave. Keep writing! You are helping yourself and your readers more than you may know. We will all see our loved ones again! In God’s time
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